Marriage Problems in Retirement

An article I read recently noted that the national divorce rate had stabilized recently.  One disturbing statistic, however, was that the divorce rate among couples approaching or at retirement age is increasing.  They’ve even given it a name: Gray Divorce.  Marriage problems in retirement are more common than we might think and, although I am not qualified to offer any advice on this topic, I do have an opinion.  It’s based on experience and a lot of reading but it’s still just my opinion.

Let me begin by saying that I married a saint and I am not exaggerating.  She is the best person I have ever met, and she has kept that title for over fifty years.  We had the same struggles almost every couple does, and she brought love to every situation.  To paraphrase Saint Paul, she was patient, and she was kind, and she was a true partner as we went through all our money problems and my impatience and frustration with my job.  The one thing we did, though, was what we learned during a weekend called Marriage Encounter and that was to communicate.  This was a struggle for me because I am the worst verbal communicator in the world although I’ve heard that a lot of men have that problem.  What we learned on that weekend was that, when things weren’t right, try writing a letter to the other person.  Love dies through indifference and neglect.  We can always decide to change that because, in the end, love is a decision.

Retirement is an adjustment for anyone.  Finding yourself with all this extra time can be a struggle for some people.  I started this website to help people solve that problem.  A couple who spent their days apart at work are now around each other all day.  This can be uncomfortable for some people and it’s why marriage problems in retirement are so common.  It’s one thing to go on vacation together but it’s a whole different story to spend the rest of your life with someone.  You cannot spend your retirement entertaining each other and neither of you can stop growing as a person.  There are so many hobbies and passions and interests you can develop; I find it hard to understand how anyone can be bored in retirement.  Do you have to do everything together?  No.  In fact, I think it’s better that each person has something that interests them so that those things can be shared.  It all goes back to communication and the decision that your relationship is something worth working on.  As I said before, I married a saint so it’s easy for me to say this.

Remembering what you've shared can help overcome marriage problems in retirement

We see in couples around us that there is a tenseness between them.  Sometimes it can be a little bit uncomfortable when you see two people who have grown so far apart.  One of the findings in the article I quoted at the beginning was that over half of the people surveyed said that a divorce significantly affected their retirement finances.  While that might be the reason some people stay together, I’m not sure it’s emotionally healthy to live with someone you can no longer tolerate.  My guess is that, at some point, the relationship is so damaged that even counseling won’t make it work.  To me, that’s very sad.  I may be very naïve but I really believe if two people were careful in choosing their spouse and made communication a part of their marriage and family life, the divorce rate would not be as high as it is.  I know marriage problems in retirement are very common, but I also think that retirement offers a chance to make that relationship even stronger.

Falling in love with my wife was the best time in my life.  We couldn’t find enough time to be together and couldn’t wait to be married.  The thought of having all this free time would have been unbelievable.  Now, we are trying to make this the happiest time in our life.  I usually write these little articles when my wife is out playing cards, doing morning exercises at the pool or attending meetings at the book club or garden club.  I enjoy staying home and reading or writing or catching up on the news.  Sometimes I’m in the middle of researching some historical event to fully understand what happened and why.  I always ask her about whether she won or lost or bad the exercise session was.  She fills me in on the latest events in the community and let her know what’s happening in the world.  Sometimes I make dinner but a lot of times we go out.  Dining and traveling are activities we love sharing.  I hope we always do.  I feel bad for anyone experiencing marriage problems in retirement, but I hope you’ll make the effort to save the love that was once there.  I hope you learn to communicate and fully appreciate the person you chose to spend your life with.  Always remember to be kind and be gentle.  They are fragile creatures and so are you!  Go out and do something together.  It’s time to Enjoy Retired Life!

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